From Free Life, Issue 27, September 1997
ISSN: 0260 5112

I do not know how many sexual partners I have had. It is partly a question of numbers. Honestly, there have been so many. But it is also partly a question of what counts.

I have not had many girlfriends. You see, the sex I have is detached from "relationships" in the traditional sense. That is not to say that it is all casual sex. For there are some women with whom I have sex on a fairly regular basis; but they happen to be in relationships with other men.

For some years now, I have been active on the group sex scene. This is a lot of fun. It also has a number of advantages over the traditional relationships. For example, I see the women only when they are at their best, when they are ready for sex. Their husbands or boyfriends have to put up with the "headaches", monthly tantrums, etc. I also have complete independence to do as I please in my everyday life: none of the consultation and negotiation which is inseparable from a relationship. There is also a lot of variety, as well as full scope for meeting new people without detriment to any existing "relationships" (for want of a better word). And yes, I do sometimes have sex with men as well; though that has been a fairly recent departure, and something that for many years I would not even have considered.

When you participate in group sex, especially where forms of kinky sex are involved (as they are in any scene in which I participate), then it can become unclear whether one is having sex with someone or not. Do I count as having sex with someone just because they are present, even if I do not make physical contact with them? What if a man is dominating me, ordering me, e.g., to perform cunnilingus on his wife. Obviously, I will be having sex with her; but am I having sex with him? What if he is taking hold of my penis and putting it into his wife's mouth? Am I having sex with him then? What if he is caning me, for a sexual thrill (for him and for me)?

Despite my broad sexual experience, I have never been one for "pulling the birds". I used to try that quite a bit, some years ago; but without much luck (usually, I think, because I was too drunk). I did have some successes though. They were one-night stands. On one evening, I met a girl in a North London pub and went back to her place. Despite being drunk, I did manage to perform. The next morning, she was still asleep when I awoke, so I got up and left. I had a wash before I left but I did not clean my teeth because I did not have a toothbrush with me. That was unfortunate. Sitting on the tube coming home I became aware of a pubic hair tickling the back of my tongue. There were quite a few people in the carriage, so I could not try to fish it out. I had to put up with the irritation until I got home. That may be part of the explanation for why, nowadays, I prefer women to be shaven.

Of course, I sometimes get bored with sex. For example, in early January, while taking part in a group sex party, I was thinking: I am fed up with this, I will be glad when it is over so I can get on with something else. After that, I cancelled all my future group-sex engagements and decided to give it a rest for a while - as it turned out, for about four months. During that time, I still had sex every day, but only with myself. And the fantasies I used were all about having sex with others, and often group sex, i.e. I was fantasising about things that I had got bored with in reality! Indeed, even when I am taking part in some kinky group sex activity, I will often be fantasising at the same time. Fantasies can be better than the reality. They can be an alternative to it or they can enhance it.

I read in the press back in March that, according to the General Household Survey, four out of ten single women aged between 16 and 49 say they are not having regular sex. It was clear this was taken to mean that they were not having sex with another person. I bet all of them, or almost all of them, are regular masturbators. And of course, when masturbating they will be fantasising about having sex with another person. But the fantasy is better than the reality - or, at least, it often is.

Of course, you would not get that from the General Household Survey. Women are usually very coy about admitting that they masturbate. I have found that even women who can talk quite openly about sex can clam up with embarrassment if you ask them about their masturbation practices. And the same is true of men. Masturbation still has something of a stigma attached to it, despite the fact that we all do it, even those of us who are in relationships.

I have only had one long-term relationship. While I was in that, I used to masturbate occasionally, even though I had sex-with-a-partner "on tap". And it was not merely because at times we were apart. I remember one morning waiting for her to leave so that I could masturbate after she had gone. I had had sex with her at least once that morning, and I could have had it again if I had wanted to. But I didn't. I wanted to toss myself off because it was better. That was in the early days of our relationship. At a later stage I would have done it in front of her.

There is physiological evidence that the orgasm one gets from masturbation is more intense than that derived from sexual intercourse (and, presumably, oral sex). I think that is true. But the intensity of the orgasm is only one part of the sexual experience. Orgasm through coitus can be a very powerful and emotional - indeed, spiritual - experience. And it can be a bore, even with that special someone.